Defended

I had a longer post written out, ready to go. Then, I accidentally deleted it. Apparently being nearly done with a doctoral program in no way prevents me from doing silly things-- good to know that I'm still human, right?

Anyway, the point is that I am DONE! Last week, I successfully defended my doctoral dissertation and am now finished with the hard part of graduate school. I am still waiting to get the formatting of my paper approved (margins and spacing and all that jazz) by my college, and then the Dean has to sign off on it. I also have a couple more weeks left of my clinical internship, but that's it! It should be smooth sailing from here on out.

It's a weird feeling, as though I’ve been running this marathon for years and years, and while I knew that the finish line had to be coming up at some point, I also thought that maybe it was just a fantasy, a legend. And then it finally appeared on the horizon, and before I had a chance to fully process that I had made it, that I was going to finish, I had already crossed it and was on the other end. And now there is just this feeling of pride, yes, but also bewilderment and disbelief. Could it really be? Did it really happen?

I suspect that feeling will linger for a while longer. I keep correcting people when they call me “Doctor.” Partly because my degree will not officially be conferred until August, but also because there are still these small administrative steps to go through before all of my graduation requirements are officially completed. But maybe I just want to cling on to school for a little bit longer. Maybe I’m not ready to let go just yet.

So it goes. Here I am. Defended, but not yet graduated. It’s an odd place, but I think it is ultimately the place to be. For now.

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Hiatus

 Oh, darling readers, I hardly know where to begin. I have slipped off once again into the folds of life away from the internet, a life filled with moving parts, mysterious unknowns, and delightful surprises. 

Things have been busy the past few weeks. The postdoc application and interview process brought on so much stress about the future, more specifically the futile desire to control everything and to predict what the future will hold. Pesky little thing, wanting to know things that I cannot. 

I learned things about myself that I thought I knew already, but it turns out that maybe we could all use a refresher course on our growth areas and coping skills. It's hard for me to focus on the next step when the present needs tending to, and distraction only made my head spin even more wildly. I felt so drained and so uncertain, and I don't like feeling that way. 

Eventually, I realized that I needed to cut out some nonessential parts of my life so that the areas that were more important could get the care they needed. As much as I love this blogging community, I knew that I could not prep for interviews and fulfill my work obligations while simultaneously writing blog posts. I just did not have the time or mental energy. 

And you know what? I'm glad that I took that break. It let me remove myself from Frantic Autopilot Mode Life and switch into actually being effective and present. Life also settled down a bit, and I'm finding that I feel much happier and more certain about the future. I no longer feel so spread thin, and I can finally breathe again.

With that in mind, I am realizing that I need to continue this hiatus for a bit longer. I have been given a wonderful opportunity for next year, and in order for me to actually fulfill it, I need to finish my dissertation. Soon. And I cannot do that without focusing on the essentials and committing myself to this project. 

I might pop back here sporadically for an impromptu visit, but otherwise, I am officially putting myself on hiatus until my dissertation has been defended, approved, signed, and submitted to the library. I will still follow my favorite bloggers, and my Instagram and Twitter will be alive and well, so I won't be going completely silent. However, as far as new content in this blog space, I likely will not be rolling out new posts for a while longer. Expect me to make an official return in June or July, doctoral degree in hand! :)

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