February 6, 2013

Busy Mind

So today is the day that I have to submit my rankings for the placement I want next year. The deadline is at midnight. For days I had stared at the Post-It list I had stuck on my bookshelf and felt sure in how I ranked the sites I visited. I thought I had it figured out. It was tough, but I felt good.

Then yesterday afternoon I started to feel uneasy. I started re-reading the brochures for my top choices and began shifting my priorities. What started as my #1 choice suddenly was up in the air and being pushed down the list, and my secure #4 took its place. The thought of passing up my first choice was terrible, but I began to think that maybe it wasn't actually the best fit for me and wouldn't give me the training opportunities I wanted. For the next few hours, my emotions went up and down as I shuffled my rankings around and frantically made lists.

Even as I write this, I'm not sure what I will decide. This sucks. It's hard to choose where I want to live next year, and it's hard to know which opportunities will be most important for my career. It's hard to think about passing up a place with a lot of prestige. It's even harder when I don't know where the hubs will be for grad school and whether we'll be together or apart next year.

I don't do well with changes. I get attached to places I love, and leaving them is really hard. The choice to move down to DC for grad school was tough, and I remember panicking when I finally accepted the offer. Even though it turned out to be the best place for me, change is hard. Change means goodbyes. It's hard not to let that color my decision.

It's also hard to give up a dream and to make a new dream. It's hard to accept that what I thought I wanted might not be what I actually want now.

My mind is busy today. There are so many "what ifs" and "should haves." In my heart, I know that any of these places will be good for me, but part of my mind is whispering to me that there is still a right choice and warning me not to mess it up. I am so confused today.

My mind is busy today.